Decision

I wish I had written this right after I saw the doc yesterday.  Then I felt good about my decision, settled, comfortable.  Now after a day and night to lay awake and think, I 'm tired and my head hurts, and I have doubts.

My appointment went as expected.  Doc was surprised and impressed with how well my re-injured shoulder is healing.  He doesn't recommend surgery again.  If I do have rubbing and pain, it will not be for decades, so finish rehab and get back to your life.  Get rid of the sling he says.  Cool, right?  I should be happy, thrilled even.

So why am I so sad?  I think it stems from my childhood...ha ha!  Seriously though, I was a weird kid, totally OCD, still am actually, nerd, straight A student, teacher's pet, and a bit of a perfectionist.

And now I am being told that having a half ass fix of my shoulder is a good idea, or the best outcome considering the circumstances.  Although I agree, it does not sit well, not for me.  I don't do things half ass, I do them right, I try my best to do them well. 

I'm bummed that the best decision is to leave my shoulder alone and let it be screwed up.  And then of course I blame myself.  Why did I have to screw up a perfect surgery.  But before I re-injured my shoulder, I was mad at myself for crashing.  I guess no matter what, I will always find something to be mad at myself about.  Wonderful!

...

A dozen of my good friends are riding Warrior Creek today.  I did a six hour race there for the first time last April.  That was early in the season for me after a very cold wet winter, I think I got 5th out of 16.  And I was pretty disappointed.  I didn't know the course well, but still had a blast!  It was so much fun.

Next April's race registration is already closed and I didn't sign up.  Again sad.  I don't think I'll be ready by then.  But if I am, I might get lucky and buy someone's entry that is unable to race like I did last year (thanks Bobbie).  So yeah, a twinkle of hope still remains...