Pump It Up

No, not really.  But I did start my 'strengthening' portion of rehab with....2 pound weights!  Awesome, right?  My therapist said I shouldn't complain, she was supposed to start me with 1 pound.  Nice.  Anyway, even the little we did felt great.  I'm also doing rotator cuff exercises with a band.  And I can do my exercises twice a day.

So after PT yesterday, I went to the gym, rode the stepmill, and then lifted weights....ha ha.  Their smallest weight was 5 pounds, so I went with that.  I also did curls and tri's with 10 pounds.

Am I sore today, yes, good sore, not shoulder pain sore.  But last night I had some shooting pains at the outside of my shoulder.  I think that's what doc #3 warned me about.  So I'm going to keep track of these odd pains and keep pushing my shoulder like he told me.

I have to admit, something doesn't feel quite right.  My instinct after this one little work-out is to get the shoulder fixed right.  But I'm still keeping my mind open.  I have another month or so to work it out, physically and mentally.

Third Opinion

Since our United Healthcare 'out of pocket max' is reached for the year, I decided to go see yet another doc about my shoulder.  Fresh eyes couldn't hurt, not when it's free.  This guy made me feel a little better cuz he said the modified Weaver-Dunn procedure that I had has a high fail rate.  So maybe it's not all me.  But still, I'm sure it's mostly me.

Anyway, after taking about 6 x-rays and torquing my shoulder a bit he gave me his opinion.  My collar bone is stiff.  This is a good thing, if it stays stiff.  In my case it may be a bad thing.  When the collar bone loosens up, it may cause pain.  Because mine is so stiff I may not know if it will cause pain for up to a year.  This doesn't help in deciding whether to have surgery in the next two months.

His advice:

1. Schedule surgery for December, just to 'save the date.'  Love that, sounds so romantic! 

2.  At the end of November go out and push your shoulder as much as you can and see if it bother you.  Then decide.

Awesome!  See my crazy idea isn't so crazy.  Apparently it's medically sound. 

This new doc was recommended to me by a friend.  Actually this doc has fixed up about a dozen of my mountain biking friends.  Wish I got his name when I had the accident.  Oh well.

I'm feeling good that I got the green light to go out and ride in a month or so.  And I've lined up a great bike to borrow.  Just 4.5 weeks to go.

Look, Both Hands

I know, not the usual thing you brag about.  But it felt soooooo good!  Tonight during spin class, I held the handbars with both hands.  Not applying any real weight of course as that would be cheating.  Still, just the grip and eveness in my body was awesome.  It's funny the little things that we appreciate when everything is taken away form us.

Neglect

I've been kind of absent for a while.  In my free computer time, I have been scouring the internet about shoulder separations, surgery, non surgery, screwed up surgery, riding after rehab, pain, etc.  So I've been neglecting my blog.

And what have I learned?  A good amount actually.  I've found that most people do not have surgery to correct a 3rd degree separation, whereas everyone who had a 5th degree did.  Of those with a 3rd degree that had surgery, everyone was going great.  Most said their repaired shoulder was much stronger than their other.  That made me sad, cuz I could have had that.  Instead I screwed my perfect repair up.

For those with a 3rd degree that let it heal naturally there was a mixed bag of results.  Some were fine, little pain, 90% strength and ROM.  Others ended up having surgery later due to pain,  loss of ROM, loss of strength, grinding, clicking, feeling of 'marbles' in their shoulder, etc.

I'm really torn.  The bills continue to pile up on my desk.  I called the insurance co and they confirmed that another surgery would be completely free to me, in fact he encouraged it.  How crazy is that?  But 12 more weeks of recovery when today I feel okay seems silly.  I hate that I have so little time to decide.

So I'm sticking with my plan of waiting the full 12 weeks post op and then testing my shoulder.  We'll see what the doc says on 11/19.  The PT lady thought my plan was a bit crazy, duh.  She said to tell the doc, and I will. 

Next week will be uneventful.  Still working on ROM.  The following week I finally move on to strengthening the area.  I am so looking forward to rebuilding some muscle.  The entire area surrounding my shoulder in atrophied from my trapezoid to my tri, bi, and chest muscles.

Otherwise I feel okay.  Still haven't forgiven myself to screwing up my perfect surgery, but I suppose that will come...in a few decades.

My Crazy Plan

Only I could come up with this.  Are you ready?  Sitting down?  No food or hot liquids in your mouth?

Okay.

On November 26th I will be 12 weeks post op.  Done with PT, and fully recovered.  Or so they say.  That day I will be up North visiting family for Turkey Day, so not in a position to ride.  But who knows, I've rented mountain bikes in Aruba, so why not the northeast.

Anyway, I know the doc said he'd prefer that I take 6 months off from mountain biking, and start road biking at 12 weeks, but playing in traffic doesn't appeal to me.  And I need to know that my shoulder works on the trails.

So I'm thinking when I get home that first weekend in December, I'm going to go for a ride.  I plan to start on a gravel road / greenway for a warm-up and then hit some smoothish single track.  No downhills, or huge drops, but definitely some roots and rock, just to see how the shoulder reacts and feels.

I know this seems dangerous and perhaps too much too soon.  But with only three working weeks left in the year, I'll need to know that my shoulder is okay.

The bills from my surgery have started coming in this week.  Let's just say I could have purchased a top of line racing bike or small car with the out of pocket cost for my procedure (which I screwed up, let's not forget that!).

Now that I've met that magic number (read annual out of pocket max), no more medical bills.  So if my shoulders not working, I want to have the option to have that 2nd surgery for free.

See I'm crazy, or the plan's crazy, or both, let's go with both.

Now I just need to find a bike.  Hmm...

Done Wallowing

Or at least I think I'm done.  I'm better today, much better.  It's amazing what a tiny bit of endorphins will do for ya...

21 mile spin class at 6pm last night.  24 mile spin class at 9:30am this morning.  All better!  It's not road riding, and it's definitely not mountain biking, but it's as good as it gets for me today, right now.

Oh and PT at 11am this morning.  The spin class apparently warmed up my muscles and increased all my ROM.  I am back to where I was pre-re-injury (yes I do get to make up words) with the bonus of that lovely, let's make that sexy bump.

Doc put me back on the original PT schedule, so no loss of time due to the re-injury.  What's next?  I guess it's time to start thinking about the future.

Keeping Me Sane

I'm not doing well.  Not sure why.  I should be happy or at least okay, right?  My re-injury doesn't require surgery and that is the best outcome.  But I still feel so unhappy, really miserable actually.  And still mad that I screwed this up.  It doesn't help that the bills have started coming in from the surgeon and the hospital, and, and, and.

So I thought today, I'd share my one happiness, he's little, but pretty powerful.  He can bring me out of madness and sadness, and make me smile so much it hurts.

This is Jack...

Yeah, I know it's not a baby blog, I have one of those too.  But I figured you'd rather see pictures of my kid (in a bike shirt) than hear about me crying because I can't deal with that fact I screwed up my surgery.

Okay, time to gather myself and get ready for spin class...

Wish I Had Started Earlier

No not blogging, ha....mountain biking.  Check out this sweet ride Custom Pro Trek Top Fuel.  It belongs to Emily Batty, a 21 y/o pro.  The one piece handle bar/stem really caught my eye.  And the thinner carbon frame matched to her weight is pretty awesome too.  I thought my thinner I9 spokes matched to my weight were cool, but this bike made me drool.

If the stars had aligned just a little differently, I could have started mountain biking earlier.  Hubby taught me to ride while we were in our 2nd round of dating in 2005.  But we met in 1987, when I was just 14.  He was a little older and started riding that year.  So if we had stayed together and not taken a lovely 17 year hiatus, I would have started riding when I was just a kid.  Screw UCLA and my stupid chemical engineering degree that really helps me change diapers now.  I could have been a pro mountain biker.  Well not really.

But when you're stuck on the recumbant bike for 90 minutes each day, your mind tends to wander.  Tomorrow night I'm going to venture back into a spinning class, with one arm of course.  I think I'm ready to try again.  Since the re-injury I haven't taken a day off the gym, but have stuck to the recumbant bike to be safe.  I know I'm a dork.  But I've got to do something.  I can't be buying new clothes!  Must save money for new bike!!!

Decision

I wish I had written this right after I saw the doc yesterday.  Then I felt good about my decision, settled, comfortable.  Now after a day and night to lay awake and think, I 'm tired and my head hurts, and I have doubts.

My appointment went as expected.  Doc was surprised and impressed with how well my re-injured shoulder is healing.  He doesn't recommend surgery again.  If I do have rubbing and pain, it will not be for decades, so finish rehab and get back to your life.  Get rid of the sling he says.  Cool, right?  I should be happy, thrilled even.

So why am I so sad?  I think it stems from my childhood...ha ha!  Seriously though, I was a weird kid, totally OCD, still am actually, nerd, straight A student, teacher's pet, and a bit of a perfectionist.

And now I am being told that having a half ass fix of my shoulder is a good idea, or the best outcome considering the circumstances.  Although I agree, it does not sit well, not for me.  I don't do things half ass, I do them right, I try my best to do them well. 

I'm bummed that the best decision is to leave my shoulder alone and let it be screwed up.  And then of course I blame myself.  Why did I have to screw up a perfect surgery.  But before I re-injured my shoulder, I was mad at myself for crashing.  I guess no matter what, I will always find something to be mad at myself about.  Wonderful!

...

A dozen of my good friends are riding Warrior Creek today.  I did a six hour race there for the first time last April.  That was early in the season for me after a very cold wet winter, I think I got 5th out of 16.  And I was pretty disappointed.  I didn't know the course well, but still had a blast!  It was so much fun.

Next April's race registration is already closed and I didn't sign up.  Again sad.  I don't think I'll be ready by then.  But if I am, I might get lucky and buy someone's entry that is unable to race like I did last year (thanks Bobbie).  So yeah, a twinkle of hope still remains...

PT's Back on Track

I was so happy to see my normal PT lady today.  She was sad, I could tell.  She said she's always been worried about me.  I was healing too quickly, I had no pain, no fear, no tension, too much range of motion.  Her worst fears were realized.  I screwed up my surgery...

But even she was pleasantly surprised at my range of motion and lack of pain today.  Wait, is it happening again???  Feeling too good too soon.  It's so hard to remember I have this huge injury and strange device in my shoulder that's just holding on by less than a thread at this point!  Someone really needs to tie me down or something. 

The PT lady and I talked for a while going over my options, the new surgery, the insurance aspects of my decision.  She really wants to take a wait and see approach and hopes for a good result without further surgery.  She's also open to scheduling surgery that last week in December if things don't go well so there would be no further out of pocket costs. 

That's two months from now.  I feel like I've lost three weeks with my re-injury.  I can't lose eight more.  But I may not have a choice.  We'll see what the doc says tomorrow morning...

Trek Women's Demo

As part of my awesome Trek Mountain Co-op Sponsorship this year, I was given a generous budget to host two group rides.  In August, a few weeks before my accident, I hosted a skills clinic at Renaissance Park with 29 attendees. 

It was a great night with lots of fun and learning for all.

Last night, I held my second group ride at North Meck Park in conjunction with a Trek Women's demo night and some good food provided by the Trek Store Charlotte and Cool Breeze Cyclery.  We had 36 demo bikes go out on the trails and on the road.  It was an amazing turnout and very rewarding, even with my arm in a sling :)!

I love that my Trek sponsorship not only supports me, but also allows me to help provide cool opportunities for other bikers, and especially women in my area.  Thanks Trek!  I will get back on a bike soon, I promise!!!

Who are you?

After taking a week of from PT to rest my re-injured shoulder, I went back today.  I was looking forward to my appointment.  I really wanted to hear what the lady had to say, get her thoughts on the situation, surgery, no surgery, etc.  Instead I got about 1/3 of her assistant who was also helping two other patients at the same time as me.  Grr.  I've never gotten stuck with the assistant before.  Not sure what I did to deserve 1/3 of her attention now?  But the head lady was out today.  So all I got was 'let's see what she says Thursday.'  Awesome!

Tomorrow I promise a better post, a positive post, some good news, pictures even!  Really...

Some Days...

...I really just wish I could put my hair back in a pony tail without my husband's help, put on my bra all by myself, get dresses alone, and roll around on the grass with my kid.  Those are lofty goals.

Today, just 30 minutes away, all my friends are racing in the Tree Shaker.  Some are on teams, some solo, some for 6 hours, some for 12.  Last year I think I won the 6 hour race, maybe, let me check....  Yup, I did.  I was also nursing at the time, so 6 hours was as long as I could go back then.  It was fun.  I love long races.  I was looking forward to this one again.  The temps are cooler, everyone is a little mellower in the fall.  Sigh.

So today, I wish I could do all those little things AND race.

My shoulder is feeling better.  The pain is subsiding or I'm getting used to it.  A tiny bit of range of motion is returning so I do see that glimmer of hope.  I'm still leaning towards not having surgery again, but keeping an open mind to what the doc says on Friday.  With almost $30k in medical bills for this accident, we have met our out of pocket max.  So if I do need to have surgery again, we have to do it before the end of the year. 

And, so I can race next year.

Good luck to all the Tree Shakers out there today.  I'm with you in spirit!

The Picture

It doesn't look that bad, does it?  So cosmetically I think I could live with the bump.  It seems like the scars will stand out more than the bump.  I'm hoping that the droopy shoulder will get a little better once I rebuild some muscle.  But the loss of range of motion scares me the most.  The doc says it will return when the swelling goes down, and the pain subsides.  I'm still waiting.

I'll have PT Tuesday and Thursday next week and see the doc Friday.  I hope by then I'll be able to decide whether I should have surgery again.  I have lots of new questions for the doctor...

What's holding the bone in place now?  How strong is it?  What degree tear do I have now?  Which ligaments are holding the bone?  What condition is the rig in?

We'll see what he says and what he advices.

I'm trying to be good, so have been wearing my sling and sleeping in it again.  Instead of spinning classes or the step-mill, I have been relegated the recumbent bike for an hour each day.  None of this will matter if I have surgery again, but I'm still hoping for the best.

Hopes of riding again in 2010 seem to be slipping away.  Boo!

As Expected...

It was the worse.  After two x-rays, the doc confirmed that yes, I had broken the stitches that were holding the device and grafts together.  The stitches would have dissolved or broken normally around 12 weeks when the grafts would have been strong enough to take over.  At four weeks, they were not, thus the pain, the lifted bone, the loss of motion.  Awesome!

The doc was upset, but also disappointed.  'I told you to take it easy.'  'I know, I know, my daughters are 6 and 9.'  He wanted to brag about how well he did on my shoulder.  Such a perfect fix, so symmetrical, so smooth.  Darn, poor doc!

My choices...

1. Let it heal as it is, start PT again next week and see how things go for the next few months.  The downfall being mostly cosmetic as I will have the bump above my shoulder where the bone sticks out and back a bit (but not as bad as right after the accident) and I will have a slightly droopy shoulder (I'll try to post a pic when I can stop crying).  Oh yeah, and on the non cosmetic side, as I regain motion, the displaced bone may start to rub on another bone and cause severe pain requiring surgery again.  Goodie!

2.  Schedule another surgery.  This time he cannot do it through the scope as he has to dig out the device he installed, cut off some bone, and use the nuts and bolts method.  Yippie!

Such wonderful choices!  And what did I do to deserve this you ask???  Shuffle run, walk into a wall, pick up a huge 2 y/o?  Well the doctor thinks it's mostly the kid.  But in general that I overdid it.  Because I had no pain, and too much range of motion, I did too much, including lifting the baby when hubby returned to working from the office this past week.  Needless to say, he's working from home again now.

I am taking two weeks to think about it...letting all the info digest while trying to keep thoughts of cashing in my life insurance policy out of my head.

Advice, words of wisdom?  Ha ha!  I say this to my two readers.  Love you guys!

My Luck!

Doc had emergency surgery this afternoon, my 2pm appointment was cancelled, so I won't get to see him till tomorrow morning.  Another long, long day!

The Worst

Something terrible has happened.  I am writing it although I have told no one, other than hubby and my doctor, because honestly no one reads this.  Anyway...  I am pretty sure I have seperated my shoulder again.  Not sure how or when, but the bone is sticking up again, although not as high, the pain is severe, and my range of motion has been cut by more than half.

Last night when I figured this out I cried for an hour.  I can't believe this is happening.  And I really don't know what I did.  I was feeling great, weeks ahead in PT, and almost back to normal, although no riding of course.  I don't think it was my shuffle jog.  Walking into the wall at preschool may have done it.  Or perhaps just sleeping without the sling Thursday and Friday night.  But I was at four weeks, it was supposed to be okay. 

Friday morning I took Jack to the park and all went well.  Getting him into and out of the swing was tough.  But I didn't hear a pop or click, or feel any severe pain.  Saturday morning I took the usual spin class and then chaperoned my step-daughter on a date, ie. I shopped while she went to the movies.  Could I have injured my shoulder in the sale racks?

Hubby thinks I just overdid it in general.  But it's tough to be calm and take it easy with a strong willed 2 y/o.

Needless to say I am a mess.  The thought of starting over is beyond daunting.  But leaving my shoudler as it is would be worse.  All last week I was so excited for this Tuesday's check-up with the doc.  I couldn't wait to show him how I could lift my arm above my head.  Now I struggle to bring in below shoulder level.  This is bad, really bad.

I am going to see the doc tomorrow afternoon and forsee another surgery in my future.  And another four weeks to get to where I was a few days ago.  Mountain biking seems to be slipping away, and that's the least of my worries.

I Can Run Again!

Today I missed the gym, but had about an hour to get a workout outside while the baby napped.  I planned to go for a walk and maybe do some squats and lunges.  So I went outside and out of habit ran up the driveway.  Wait, I'm not supposed to run for another eight weeks.  Oops.

It felt okay, so I held my right arm tight to my chest to try to immobilize my shoulder and ran for 3.5 miles.  It was great, not a true run, more of a fast shuffle run cuz I tried not to bounce much, but still it was awesome.  I can run again, yippee!  Baby steps remember.